Well, the election is over and our candidate, Joycelyn Elders, failed to win the necessary votes. So it looks like we’ll have four long, hard years of struggle ahead. With the current leaders still in charge, keeping the world peaceful will demand new levels of masturbatory dedication from all of us.
We’ve put together this plan to help you use this time wisely, increasing both your onanistic proficiency and pleasure as you do your part for peace.
Step 1 – Experiment with Lube
A furious effort for peace can have dangerous consequences. Chafing and soreness can result, bringing not only discomfort but side-lining you from the cause for a while. Without lube, four years of rubbing and jerking would take quite a toll. That’s why we recommend focusing first on lube. It’s a vital aid in the work ahead.
The real challenge with lube is finding the right one for you. An astounding variety of lubes are available, from water-based standbys like Astroglide to high-tech silicone wonders. We’ve put together this complete guide to take you through the options. Finding a great lube doesn’t mean spending a lot of money, however. You’d be surprised what kind of fabulous lubricants are already sitting in your kitchen pantry, though for health reasons we discourage women from getting too creative in what they dabble in.
Step 2 – Explore New Techniques
People have a tendency to establish a single masturbatory habit in their youth and stick with that method through their life. The fight for peace, though, requires creative solutions. Plus, with all of the peace work you’ll be doing, using only that tried and true technique is bound to become monotonous. You have 1,461 days and nights ahead of you to masturbate for peace. Fortunately, there are hundreds of masturbation techniques available, using nothing but your two hands and a little imagination.
If this seems a bit daunting, start off slow. If you’re in the habit of using your right hand to masturbate, use your left. Experiment with using both hands simultaneously. Let a finger wander down below for a little anal stimulation. Then get creative. Men can try the “swivel stick”, first applying a lot of lube and then rubbing your hands back and forth like you’re trying to start a fire, or the venerable “stranger”, sitting on your hand until it becomes numb and then using it to masturbate. Women can try “the sandwich,” Hold your clit from its base between two fingers with one hand while stroking it with your other hand, or the “pussy pet”, applying a lot of lube and just patting yourself, first lifting your hand off and then on again, then pressing down, without lifting your hand, to reach climax. Letsmasturbate.com and Mymasturbation.com offer hundreds more innovative techniques.
Step 3 – Try Some Toys
Fight back against the weapons of war with gadgets for peace. Sex toys offer sensations and pleasures you’ve never imagined possible. A surprising number of men and women have yet to experience the pleasures of toys. Women have incredible options available, from dildos in every imaginable shape and size to multifunction rabbit vibrators made famous on Sex and the City. Men can plow into fleshlike masturbators that rival the real thing and everyone can insert things into their nether regions for truly peaceful pleasures.
If you are too embarrassed to buy sex toys, there are lots of homemade options available. The toothbrush is surprisingly erotic and a cell phone makes an excellent vibrator.
Step 4 – Masturbate with Others
Though it’s noble work masturbating by yourself for peace, true activism requires getting others involved. Recruit as many people as possible to the cause, teaching them about the need to masturbate for peace. You can masturbate with your partner or throw a masturbation party and invite all of your friends. Either way, you’re multiplying the effectiveness of your work for peace.